i think my body knows what im about to do.
someone let it slide...and now its prematurely protesting.

already the headaches are setting in.
the temptations obviously, though i know those will be greater tomorrow and the next day than they are today.
today will just be the pangs and the weariness.
luckily (or unluckily?) im already trying to get rid of a cold
so food's not terribly appetizing anyway.

(but that tends to change rather quickly)

2 weeks.
just 2 weeks and it will be over.
it always helps when there is an end in sight.
in the meantime its tea and water and....well thats probably about it.

anyone want to join in?
it always helps when theres more than one

sometimes i get mad at God about this (i wrote this in my journal a few days ago):
"unless its my obsession, it never comes off.
and thats the problem--i cant make it my obsession."

i am still warped

i am not cured
(as much as i sometimes think i am, yet in some ways still wish i wasnt)

i still feel guilty, eating like a "normal" person, so i way im just "trying" to eat like a normal person, so as to, in some perverse way, still hold onto the struggle.
theres a comfort there.
a....belonging.
an identity.
maybe thats what i was searching for.

for some reason it IS an appealing identity.
one thats hard to give up.
i dont know why its so desirable...
perhaps its just become a part of me for so long....that ive brainwashed myself in such a way that i am unable to easily extricate myself from....myself.

i still have to make a conscious effort to eat properly.
instinct tells me that less is more....but then my mind goes into lecture mode and i some how convince myself to keep eating "properly", despite the current results that cause me to avoid mirrors....

but sometimes.....secretly, i WANT to eat. 
but then i eat too much.
or i just feel guilty for eating what a "normal" amount would be for everyone else.

in some perverse way, though....i LIKE it that i still struggle.
im proud of my struggle.  my battle.  my "disease".  my sin.
maybe thats what saddens my spirit the most.....
i still have such a long way to go.

(it scares me to accept myself as i am...
it scares me even more that i really AM starting to.)

(i hate being such an exception to every rule)